


some other beginning's end

by orphan_account



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Depression, Diary/Journal, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, F/F, F/M, Fix-It, Infinity (Marvel), M/M, Moving In Together, Mutual Pining, New York City, Pining, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Therapy, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-04-29 16:46:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14476947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "not that i loved caesar less, but that i loved rome more."- brutus,julius caesarsteve and bucky survive the infinity war, retire, and move back to brooklyn together. some secrets remain unsaid.





	1. rebuilding

The question he gets asked most often is if it was hard to give it all up but to Steve, it was the easiest thing in the world. It was easy when he snuck his head into Bucky’s bedroom and saw the morning light shining on his sleeping face. It was easy when he made the corners of Bucky’s eyes crinkle when he told him a particularly corny joke. It was easy even when it was hard. Which it could be, hard, that is. It was hard when they both had nightmares at the same time. It was hard when Bucky would storm off after they fought. It was hard when they looked at each other a certain way with nothing to show for it. It was hard trying to unravel everything. Steve can feel the weight on both of their shoulders every time the news reports another catastrophe. Steve and Bucky start to learn how to let go. But like he said, it was hard. And easy. All at the same time. 

Brooklyn is louder than he remembers. Steve suggested they move into his old Red Hook apartment but Bucky wanted to be by the park where at least there’s some green left. He’s seen enough gray for now. They tried to decline but Tony insisted he pay for their two bedroom brownstone by Grand Army Plaza as a formal apology for Germany. Not that either of them had any assets to their names and could’ve bought it without Tony’s help. Their move was a small affair, neither of them had many belongings to begin with. Few things were recovered after the war besides some old SHIELD documents and Steve’s brown leather jacket that Natasha had saved for them. Steve wears it on special occasions or when Buck asks him to, which usually end up being one and the same. Bucky says it’s making up for the time they had lost. When he’s off duty, Sam tells them about IKEA and the three of them spent a day roving around that maze of a store. Bucky hung back as Steve and his artist’s eye created a “vision for their home” as he put it. Bucky just likes the couch he picked out himself. It’s his favorite place to nap after a rather particularly rough day. His second favorite place is their rooftop where they can see the Manhattan skyline, or what’s left of it. He sees the world around them rebuild as the two of them just build. 

The first few months are for healing. Not just their physical wounds, but the internal ones that take longer to scar over. A broken rib can mend in less than two months. The emotional cut of losing loved ones and leaving the ones who are left? It takes longer. The ghost of Steve’s shield haunts him as he constantly fights the involuntarily urge to reach behind his back. Sometimes it takes him a few seconds to remember the shield is locked away for safekeeping in the Avengers facility. Tony and him talk on the phone a lot more now, when Tony can’t make it down from Massachusetts to visit. After all, the Iron Man suit is right next to the Captain America uniform in the vault upstate. Although they reacted differently to retirement - Tony moving back to Cambridge with Bruce to fund and teach technological research at MIT and Steve burrowing deep into Brooklyn to make art - they both understand each other’s pain well. Bucky and Steve heal together but they’re healing a different kind of grief. Steve knows Tony feels the same knee jerk reaction he does when they see Peter or Sam saving the world the way they used to. Steve is glad Tony has Bruce the way he has Bucky. Well, maybe even more than he has Bucky. At least the way Steve _wants_ to have Bucky. He’s also glad Bruce decided to get an eighth PhD, this time in psychology, because he’s now Steve’s third number on speed dial. Bruce is Tony’s but when he needs a professional, Steve knows Bruce will pick up. Mainly though, Steve tries to keep it to Brooklyn and their apartment. Their home.


	2. dinner

When Steve comes home Monday evening, Bucky is in the kitchen already making dinner. On the counter is the a large pile of dirty dishes and the laptop Bruce and Tony got them for their first Brooklyn Hanukkah. A cooking tutorial for roasted chicken plays from the screen as Bucky chops potatoes on a cutting board. 

“Hey, Buck.” Steve calls from the foyer. 

He gets a soft mumble under Bucky’s breath as an hello. Bucky’s concentrated on his task at hand and pushing his long hair out of his eyes with his elbows as Steve walks into the kitchen. Steve comes up behind him and claps him on the shoulder. 

“Smells amazing, Buck.”

Steve gathers the strands around Bucky’s face and pulls it back with a ponytail Steve always keeps on his wrist for Buck. Bucky’s shoulders tense up for just a second when Steve’s fingers brush up against the base of his neck. Bucky was always freezing and Steve was never noticing. 

“Thanks,” Bucky smiled. “How was your day?”

“Figure drawing ran a little long but I didn’t mind. How was yours?”

Bucky shrugged. “Boring.”

“How was your phone session with Banner?”

“He told me I just start keeping a journal.”

“Are you?”

“Dinner’s ready.”

 

The next day there’s a brand new leather bound notebook on Bucky’s nightstand. A small note on top says “For you.” Bucky can’t help but smile.


	3. bucky's journal

**March 19**

Dr. Banner said it’d be healthy for me to keep a journal. Whatever “healthy” means. He said it would be a good place to express my emotions since I have “such a hard time doing that” according to him. I’ll try, I guess. We’ll see.

**March 27**

I hate this. 

**April 15**

I’m sitting in the park and I’m bored. The only thing I found in my backpack to do was write in this journal so here goes nothing. Therapy with Bruce is boring and I hate it. I hate talking about my feelings and my memories. I’m only seeing Bruce for Steve. I’d do anything to see that crease on his forehead disappear. I can see all the worry that pools up right in that spot and I just want to reduce the amount I cause it. The space between his eyes folds whenever he looks at me and he doesn’t think I notice, but I notice everything. I notice that his thumb twitches slightly whenever he claps me on the back. I notice when his gaze lingers for one second too long. I notice that he doesn’t notice. I want him to see through me. I want to become transparent for him. It’d be easier if I could telepathically tell him everything I want to because every time I open my mouth to start, the words don’t come. It’s like they’re stuck in a jail cell, clamoring to get out but trapped nonetheless. Bruce says my feelings for Steve must be “complicated.” I don’t tell him just how complicated they can get. Everything’s been complicated since I walked away from Steve at the Stark Expo. Just like it was back then, now watching these people walk past me reminds me how insignificant I am. I’m just another story.

**Author's Note:**

> don't forget to leave kudos & comments!
> 
> find me @sergtbarnes on twitter and @paddypubs on tumblr


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